So, I Guess Nobody Cares. Neither Do I.

Well, I suppose folks just don't like the aspect of making twenty bucks for little to no work.  That's cool.  I could use the money.  I'm speaking in regards to a contest I had set up last week requesting you all to put in your two cents on a name for the podcast.  Your two cents could've been worth twenty bucks but, whatever.  WHATEVER.  The contest is still there.  Lazy fuck.  You want a link don't you.  Here:  Lazy fucks click here.  

I mean, look at it.

But it doesn't matter to me if you submit a name or not.  Besides, I'll probably wind up calling it "The Joe Show" or some other crappy name like that.  Like I said, I could use the twenty bucks.  I'm thinking of having weekly contests on the podcast for shitty prizes.  Like a Mr. T rubber ducky.  Or maybe a Michael Jackson mask.  Good God.  That thing is fucking awful.

But yeah.  Whatever.  You guys probably won't even read this.  And yeah.  I know I'm bitching but, fuck you.  This is my space on the web to bitch, bitch.  I'd go read whatever drivel you could muster up and throw on the internet.  Well, probably not.  Let's be honest.  It most likely wouldn't be all that well put together.  A lot of thought goes into these posts, people.  Well, not so much this one.  But, I mean...did anyone read yesterday's post about the royal wedding?  Or the homeless feature?  Hell, all the "What Bothers Me Right Now" articles are amazing.  I mean.  Is that it?  Am I attacking what you love and you just can't take it?  I don't care.  Accept it and support me you fucking lemmings!  Ahahahhaha!  I'll stop.

In all honesty though, still aiming for the podcast to be first recorded May 24th and hopefully be uploaded by the 25th or a little later.  Man, I can't believe this is happening.  You don't understand, guys.  I've been wanting to do radio since I was a little shit.  I used to record myself talking about the stupidest things.  And now, this podcast, well, it's a step closer, isn't it?  Yeah.  Well, wish me luck.  And to the one dude following these posts...  Thanks man.  I don't even know who you are but, you're cool.  Fuck the rest of you.  Joe out.

What Bothers Me Right Now 10: The Royal Wedding

"...Kate's pretty good looking.  I'd give her a go."

So, today's a special day, yeah?  What with William and Kate getting hitched.  Whoopty-doo!  Who gives a shit really?  I just don't see the importance of royalty.  That's what bothers me right now.

You see, a long time ago, in the distant land of Britain, there were a bunch of rich snobs.  They all  wanted to fuck their sisters and cousins so made up this "royalty" business.  Had to keep the bloodline going and all that.  What a bunch of shit.  And now it's even worse.  These people have done nothing but have the privilege of being born into this.  They have no talent, no skills.  Hell, they're not even good to look at.  And so now we have to go make a big deal of how rich they are and how special they are.  Their parents fucked.  That should never make you instantly famous.  Just total shit is all it is.

And then I come home and all that's on TV is this "Royal Wedding" bullshit.  Hell, it's been like this for a week or two.  I can't change the channel without looking at this British bullshit.  I admit, Kate's pretty good looking.  I'd give her a go.  But, Jesus Christ...should we really care about this kind of shit?

Chim-chim-charoo, you royal fuck.

What goodwill is this going to bring the world?  I mean really.  At least he's not fucking his sister but, still...William, dude, you gotta know you're worthless.  If you were born to Tom and Jill Nannyfanny on Broomster Lane in Manchester, you'd be a chimney sweep just like your pop.  Supercalifragi-who-gives-a-fuck.

Enjoy it while you can, Billy.  She'll just wind up like your mom.  Drop your sorry ass, get half of everything you own, go bone a Frenchman and crash into a tunnel.  Then, Elton John will sing her favorite song at the funeral.  Yeah.  That's what we have to look forward to.  Hey Elton.  Whether or not it's her favorite, do "Tiny Dancer".  That shit's hot.  Joe out.

This Shit Makes Me Laugh

Just got showed this at work and about laughed my ass off.

What Bothers Me Right Now 9: Homeless People

Yeah.  Call me an asshole but, sorry, I don't care about the homeless anymore.  I've been in some bad shit but have always managed to pull out of it in the end.  I just can't comprehend getting to a point where you're in a situation where you're living off of handouts.  Let me tell you a story and maybe you'll see more where I'm coming from.

When I was living in Denver, about a decade or so ago, I was approached by a homeless man.  Now, up to this point, I was pretty used to the homeless and tried to help where I could.  Never gave them money but, I was always more than willing to pass along a bag of chips or a burger, anything I could get for them.  So far, the people had always taken me up on it and were overly thankful and I always felt a little better of myself.

Anyways, the homeless guy approached me and asked if I could help him out.  Now, I had just come out of a gas station at the time and bought a sandwich for the next 2 or 3 hours I'd be on the road.  I wasn't really hungry but, it's nice to have backup in case.  I told him, "Well, you know what...I just bought this sandwich so, if you want that, here you go."  He just kinda looked at me dumbfounded.  He said, "Well, actually, what I'd really like is some money, man.  Even a quarter would help."  So, now I'm thinking to myself.  So, this asshole wants a quarter.  This sandwich is 3 dollars.  He's willing to take a piece of filthy metal over something that will provide him with a full belly.  Fuck this.  I look right back at him.  I throw the sandwich at his feet and pull a quarter out of my pocket.  I yell, "You want a fucking quarter?  Here's your fucking quarter!"  I chucked that quarter out onto the street, got in my car, and sped away.  A waste of a good sandwich if you ask me but, it just completely blew my mind how selfish this man was.  First, you come up to me and beg.  Second, you don't accept my offer.  Go fuck yourself.

I'm reminded by all this because today, as I finished pumping gas in my car, I was approached by another homeless man.  Now, at this point, 10 years down the road, I'm thinking I'll be generous.  He asks if I have any money.  I inform him that I don't carry cash but, I'd be more than happy to buy him a drink or a hotdog or something.  He says, "Cool, man."  So, we start heading inside and he says, "You know what man.  Actually.  Could you get me some cigarettes?"  I say, "Nope.  And you just lost your hotdog, bro."  Now, he starts following me.  "Ah, man.  Could I just get a ride then.  I'm just up the street."  I say, "Nah, man.  You had your chance.  You'll figure it out."  Got in my car and sped away.

Now, who's the asshole?  I just don't get where these people find the nerve to ask for help and, when I provide an alternative to money, they're almost offended that I don't just give them a dollar.  That almighty dollar that's worth less than what I'm willing to give them.  Who do you think you are, you homeless fuck?  I hope it rains.  I hope your cardboard box get soaked up and falls apart and drifts off into a rain gutter.  And, I hope that if I'm ever in your shoes, I respect those who are willing to lend a helping hand and accept whatever they have to offer.  Joe out.

Hop is a Fucking Idiot

Hey all.  As most of you all know, I hang out with a fella by the name of "Hop".  Real name's Johnathon but, he's Hop to most everybody.  Anyways, he's gone on vacation and today was his last day of work for awhile.

Groundhog Day

I was giving him some hell by telling him that the joke was on him and that he was going to have to relive the day like Bill Murray did in Groundhog Day.  He told me he had never seen it but that he was familiar with the premise and that if that was the case, he would just jump off a cliff.  To which I said that it wouldn't make much difference what he did, he would just come back and it would be the same day all over again.  He looked at me weird.  I said, "Yeah, because Bill Murray has to relive the day, over and over again, until he gets it just right and winds up with the love of his life or whatever."  And then he said "Oh.  Well, I must've been watching Groundhog Day 2 then."  And we argued because I told him there was no Groundhog Day 2.  And he kept going on that there was and that it didn't have Bill Murray but he had seen it.  He then told me to look it up...which I did...and, of course, there's no Groundhog Day 2.

He then got angry at me because he swore he had seen it.  And he said, "I mean, it's nothing like what Groundhog Day is though, I mean, I haven't seen that one but, it doesn't follow what I think it's about."  So, I asked him, "Well, what's Groundhog Day 2 about then?"  He replied, "It's about this guy who's trying to save his golf course from..."  I stopped him there.  I said, "No.  Shut up.  No.  That's not Groundhog Day or Groundhog Day 2.  That's Caddyshack."  And then he said, "Yeah.  Oh yeah.  That's it.  Caddyshack 2."  I said, "No.  No.  That's Caddyshack.  And it has nothing to do with anything related to Groundhog Day with exception to Bill Murray being in it as well."

Groundhog Day 2, aka Caddyshack

He then said, "Well, no.  That's Groundhog Day then.  Because the groundhog keeps messing up his golf course."  I said, "No, Hop.  No.  That's not even a groundhog.  That's a gopher."  "Same thing," he says.  Of course.  I say, "No.  Hop, listen.  Caddyshack is where Bill Murray is, I believe, the groundskeeper of the golf course.  Something like that.  And the gopher..."  "Groundhog," he said.  "Whatever," I continued.  "It keeps messing up the golf course and Bill Murray keeps trying to get rid of it and winds up blowing up half the course or something which knocks the ball in the hole and allows them to win the golf tournament and keep the golf course.  Something like that.  I haven't seen the movie in awhile."

He said, "Well, right.  And what?  He lives that day over and over again?"  I said, "Hop, when are you going on vacation?"  I swear.  He either is just a fucking troll or a complete idiot.  Which, I want to say that he's just an idiot.  A moron.  A complete waste of matter.  And I can't wait to do the podcast with him.

Groundhog Day 3: This Time It's Personal

Hey, Hop.  What's that movie where Bill Murray fights those groundhog ghosts on that golf course day after day?  Groundhog Day 3, right?  Shut the fuck up.  Thank god you're going on vacation.  But Jesus Christ, what will I do without you for three weeks?  Joe out.