Just a Reminder

Hey folks. Just wanted to remind you that, if you're still coming here, you're doing it wrong. The blog moved over to blog.thejosephpeterson.com.  So...yeah...you should probably head over there now.  DO IT!

The Bob Barker Discussion

I suppose I should actually call this "The Morgan Freeman Discussion That Turned Into the Bob Barker Discussion Cause Hop Is a Fucking Retard" but, I figured shorter is sweeter, at least in this case.

Al Grey

Anyways, at work, Hop and I got into talking about Morgan Freeman.  It all started when he noticed our new chat program at work made his chat "all grey".  However, he typed "al grey" which made me think he was comparing himself to some man named Al Grey.  We decided to look up the name and found him.  Apparently, Al Gray was a trombonist and played with the likes of the Count Basie Orchestra...whatever that is.  But, good for him.  Moving on...Hop made a comment that the man looked a bit like Morgan Freeman in an air machine.  I had no idea what he was talking about, as usual.  He said, "You know.  Like one of those ones that makes your face stretchy and weird."  Oh, okay Hop.  I guess he sort of does.

So then we started talking about Morgan Freeman.  First, Hop told me Morgan Freeman had never been in a good movie.  I told him otherwise to which he said, "Prove it."  I mentioned Shawshank Redemption.  Hop didn't like that one.  Glory.  Driving Miss Daisy.  Kiss the Girls.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Didn't tickle Hop's fancy which I knew it wouldn't because he's a fucking idiot.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Anyways, he went on to say the only movie worth watching with Morgan Freeman in it is Wanted.  I've never seen the movie but, according to Hop (so this might not be at all true) Morgan Freeman says "Shoot this motherfucker right here."  Which to Hop is the greatest line ever spoken on film.  Yeah, I know.

Weekend at Barker's

After that fiasco, Hop noticed Al Grey was dead and made a comment about Morgan Freeman being dead.  To which I immediately jumped and stated otherwise.  And Hop changed his tune and said, "Yeah, well, he's practically dead."  Which I had to agree because, well, he is.  He then moved on to something that's bothered me forever.  I'm surprised I've never mentioned it here before.  He truly believes that Bob Barker is dead.  I've tried to prove otherwise but Hop insists that Bob Barker is an dead puppet being controlled by the media.  "A dead puppet?"  I questioned.  "Like Weekend at Bernie's?"  "Exactly," he said.  The man's an idiot.

I've had this debate with him time and time again.  Not that I'm a huge fan of Bob Barker but, he's sort of a legend and, let's face it, Bob Barker is The Price is Right.  Drew Carey sucks as host.  Fact.  Anyways, he continued ranting, half of which I blocked out until he blurted out, "Every time he used to come down that stage and they played that Wheel of Fortune music..."  I lost it.  I literally laughed out loud for at least 20 seconds.  He kept trying to fix it, "Price is Right.  I said Price is Right."  But he didn't.  And it just really made me laugh.

Once I recovered, I said, "Hop, those shows aren't even alike at all."

He said, "Uh huh.  The wheels."

I said, "Oh, you mean the one wheel in The Price is Right that they spin twice a show?  Compared to that of Wheel of Fortune where they spin the damn thing every turn?"

He said, "No, no.  I mean yeah but, there's more than just that wheel on The Price is Right.  I'm talking about all the wheels."

At this point, I was upset.  "What fucking wheels, Hop?  They have one fucking wheel."

He said, "All those wheels on the cars they give away."

At which point, I told him I'd stab him and he reminded me that he is un-stabbable.  That's the idiot moron known as Hop.  I can't wait to share him to you all soon.  Joe out.

Judgment Day

So, word on the street is, we won't be here much longer.  Well, we being the God fearing individuals on planet Earth.  I suppose I shouldn't lump myself in the group.  I'm an atheist.  Have been for awhile.  I mean, I tried out religion but, it just didn't work out for myself.

Definitely not going to Heaven

 I think my biggest gripe was people always wanting me to go to church.  Why do I have to go to church to be religious?  I never understood that bit.  If my body is my temple, I'll just stay here and pray, thanks.  Prayer was another thing I never understood.  Leave God alone.  He's busy.  He's got shit to do like move clouds about, make the sun rise and set and keep Kim Kardashian's boobs looking great.  I mean, they're great boobs, God but, they're kinda on one hell of a useless person.

Anyways, the meaning of this was to discuss Judgment Day...and all the things wrong with it.  It's like there's some kind of "I'm better than you" syndrome going on with these religious folks.  Some of them anyways.  I won't lump them all in here.  Some atheists are assholes too...like me.  In any case, the folks that are in on this Judgment Day, May 21st, Rapture, whatever business act like they got an invite to the big party in Heaven and it's a short list.  They're the VIPs.  They're going to Heaven and they're going to watch us burn come the end of the world.

That's all find and dandy but, as a moral person who makes moral choices based on morality's sake (basically being good for goodness sake), I wouldn't be waving that invite around.  I'd take my chariot or my wings or the escalator, however the fuck I'm getting up there, humbly.  Hell, I might even take a sinner or two.  Sure.  Why not?  I'm a good guy.  Never understood letting religion dictate whether you should be a good, decent man.  I'm good because it's the right thing to do...not because if I'm not good I go to Hell.  That makes more sense to me.

In any case, I almost hope it happens.  The Rapture, Judgment junk.  Earth is crowded and, well, it'd be nice to be here in the final days without all the crazy religion freaks.  But let's face it...May 22nd's going to come around, we're all going to be here.  Except for the people who die.  And they will die.  And some idiot will believe it to be a sign.  But it isn't.  It's just death.  Someone will be born, too.  What does that mean?  I mean, if Jesus or God is just emptying out the world anyways, why let anyone be born?  Seems like something an organized God just wouldn't do.  And, what if they're not born?  What if some lady's been running around with a baby inside of her for 9 months, she's ready to pop and, well, that damn baby won't come out?  And, what if the baby's deserving but the mom's not?  Does the mom just get a free ride cause she's carrying the baby or does the baby just fly out and go to Heaven or, you know, if the mom does get to go up to they just get the baby out and send her back?  I mean, if she's good and the baby's good, yeah, there's no problem but, I mean, you gotta sort out the other stuff.

How about I just ask Him for a ride?

What about people's pets?  Who's gonna feed Sparky now that it's the Rapture?  Does Sparky go to Heaven?  Do you want us heathens taking care of your dog?  And what about the Bible?  It's the number one selling book of all time.  Do we just stop making it?  Who do you think would take the number one spot from the Bible?  My money's on that damned devil Harry Potter franchise.  And another thing...doesn't God and Jesus and Buddha and Yahweh and all those other ones love us?  Even the sinners, right?  Why doesn't everyone get to go up in the magic rocket ship?  I want to ride a unicorn and lick lollipop clouds.  Oh well.  I guess I should've gone to church like those people asked me to.

In closing, nothing's going to happen.  May 21st will be another normal day.  I'll get up, take a shit, shower, head to work, pretend to work, take another shit, come home, do some heroine, jerk off, take another shit, cut myself, take some Vicodin and go to sleep.  Wake up and do it again the next day.  Forever and ever until the day I die or the end of the world comes.  Which, of course is by no means as soon as tomorrow.  As we all know, December 21st, 2012 is the end of the world.  Idiots.  Joe out.

The New Website

So, I've finalized setting up the new website.  For those interested, blog.thejosephpeterson.com.  I think I may keep this site for text posts and leave the other page my storage for the podcasts but, we'll see.  We're coming up quick on our start up date and I appreciate everyone's interest (if anybody's even interested anyways).  Joe out.

The Alien Discussion

Today, Hop and I discussed a possible new sequel to the Alien vs Predator movies.  This would be a sort of rebranding of the series.

It all started when we were discussing how many Alien movies we thought there had been in total.  And I claimed I had stopped watching after the 2nd one because Sigourney Weaver is an ugly woman and I actually felt bad for the aliens.

In any case, this rebranding would have Xena as the lead role.  This was Hop's idea.  I asked him if it would be Lucy Lawless just playing the character of Xena or if it would be her playing herself.  He stated that it would be both.  In fact, it would be similar to the movie "The Parent Trap".  However, in this case, the mom and dad would be an alien and a predator, both vying for their children's (Lucy and Xena) affection.  The title would be "The Predator Trap".

We then figured we should have Sigourney Weaver make a cameo as a throwback to the original movies.  She would play the "Predalien", a third child who was thrown in the basement.  I figure she sorta looks like what a Predalien would probably look like anyways.

We didn't really come up with an end to the movie, but we discussed why someone would name their child "Sigourney".  I said if I had the last name Weaver, I'd name my kid Dream.  Hop said he'd name his Basket.  We couldn't come up with any other names that made sense.  I then said the name Beaver Weaver but insisted that I could never enroll the child in public school...or society for that matter.

What Bothers Me Right Now 11: The Whole Day

Today, I decided to bring along a pad of paper and write down things I saw or experienced throughout the day while at work.  What follows is a direct transcript of my writings, along with some added thoughts (I'll put them in parentheses like this) I've decided to include as of now.  Enjoy.

My kingdom for a vanilla Zinger!

9 PM:  Went to get vanilla Zingers from the vending machine in the break room.  No vanilla Zingers.  Chocolate ones.  I don't like them.  Decided to get 3 Musketeers bar.  Machine didn't work.  Got Nutter Butter Bites which is all right but not what I wanted.  (This whole situation sort of bothered me.  The break room is a good walk from where I sit.  I've had this taste for Zingers lately and I only like the vanilla ones because the chocolate ones taste like Hohos and I don't really like those.  So, I got all the way down there and nothing.  Though the Nutter Butter Bites were pretty delicious.)

(Continued from 9 PM)  Also, wanted to get rid of dimes.  Took two dimes and a quarter.  Meant to take two dimes and a nickel.  Still have two dimes...and that nickel...and no Zingers.

At least they had Cherry 7up.  (Which by the way is amazing.)

Split tennis ball?

Don't look up "split tennis ball" on Google while at work.  (Not sure when this happened, can't really remember.  I do remember it bringing up a pretty naughty photo.  Feel free to look it up yourself.  Preferably while not at work.  Unless your work allows that sort of thing then, go for it.  You will find the picture on the right though so, that's pretty cool.  If you're into bearded men holding up...um...that.)

11 PM:  Just got back from bathroom.  While I was in there, someone came in, used the urinal and just left.  Didn't flush.  Didn't wash hands.  The washing hands bit doesn't bother me.  Unless you piss or shit on your hands, you don't have to wash up.  (And that's true.)  I do it as a courtesy in a public place. (Preferably, at work.  I rarely wash my hands after using the restroom unless I'm in the middle of or about to eat.  And of course if I shit or piss on them.)  Anyways, why not flush?  That's just dirty.  And what bothers me even more, when I went, the toilet had piss in it.  FLUSH THE TOILET!!!  Jesus.  Dirty bastards.  (And that's true.  Where I work is like a nerd farm.  I guess nerds don't flush toilets or use underarm deodorant.  I'm not kidding.  Some of the people I work with smell horrid.  Like bacon.  I mean, I like the smell of bacon...but not old bacon mixed with dirty human.  Take a shower.  If you are taking a shower, put on deodorant.  If you are putting on deodorant, get some new shit cause it ain't working.  And bring me some bacon, you selfish prick.)

You're not cool.

12:30 AM  Saw a guy with a mohawk and a mullet just now.  What would that be called?  A mullethawk?  A mohawklet?  In any case, bad.  Mohawklet sounds like something they serve in a school cafeteria.  (Mohawks seem to be all the rage where I work.  Never really understood it.  Looks like a half a haircut.  Finish the job for God's sake.  And why a mullet?  One or the other.  Neither should be acceptable in public but, at least pick one over the other.  Don't just blend them into some abomination.  It was awful.)

2 AM:  Someone just used a phrase I hate.  "I know what you'd like."  Yeah?  You do, do you?  Another I hate, "I bet you'd like..."  Yeah?  Let's see.  Nope.  Don't like it.  Pay up.  (Not much to add here.  I just hate when people think they know me well enough to make a wager or insist that they know I like one thing or another.  I probably don't.  I'm pretty fucking picky and not everyone likes Elvis commemorative plates or Nascar dishtowels.  If you do, that's fine.  If you like those things, I bet you'd have a mohawklet.)

3:30 AM:  Went to bathroom again to take a piss.  Before I went in, someone told me, "Be careful.  It smells like shit in there."  Does it?  Who'd have thought?  (I mean, it's a bathroom for fuck's sake.  It's one step away from a sewer.  And where I work, it smells enough outside of the bathroom anyways.  I understand, it was his attempt at a joke but, it wasn't really very well done.  Here's a joke:  My grandpa used to fart, smile at me, and tell me "Joe.  Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind me?"  Now, that's a fucking joke.)

And so sums up my day.  By the way, it's Mother's Day so, let your mom know you love her.  Or if you don't love her, whatever.  Just let her be, I guess.  Happy Mother's Day all you mothers out there.  Get it?  Like mother fuckers.  Yeah.  Meh, whatever.  And here's Mr. T telling you to treat your mother right.  Remember, when you put down one mother, you're putting down mothers all over the world.  Joe out.

Random

I wore my underwear inside-out today.  Didn't even realize it until about 2 in the morning.  I was taking a shit at work and looked down and, yep, inside-out.  That was good.  Was gonna fix it but, someone walked in on me so, I thought twice and decided not to.

Just found out that Criss Angel did an Orville Redenbacher popcorn commercial.  "You popped popcorn in the microwave? Oh my God!"  Here's a link to the video:  Stupidest Commercial Ever.  I love how the lady reacts just like all the losers on the TV show do.  Does he even have a TV show anymore?  Does anyone even care?  MIND FREAK!

Um, what else?  I swear folks.  I'm out of ideas.  I mean, without Hop around to make me question reality, I don't know what's going on.  Oh.  Here's a link to the dude's Facebook page.  Look at him.  That's what I sit next to everyday.  He's a fucking idiot-genius though.  So yeah.  Visit his page.  Add him as a friend.  He hates Facebook so, it'll make his day.

So, yeah.  I guess I'll finish it off with a joke.  How does Bob Marley like his donuts?  With jammin'.  Sorry folks.  Should have some better content in the next week or so once I get Hop back to yell at.  Joe out.